He Promised Me He Would Never Do Security Again
These tips will help you live with or leave a husband or boyfriend who keeps promising to change but never does.
If this is the first time your husband or boyfriend promised to change, you probably believe him. But what if he keeps promising to change but never does? Maybe you've already learned that your boyfriend or husband wants to change and honestly tries to change…but he can't follow through. He may be different for a short time, but eventually you're dealing with the same problems in your relationship.
"We got engaged pretty fast because he seemed like the perfect guy," says Betty on Are You Tired of Trying to Make Your Marriage Work? "He changed after a couple months. I try to be the perfect wife but I find myself sometimes paying all the bills and doing all the housework. My daughter does the outside work. He became insensitive and makes disrespectful comments about me to my kids. Then a woman Facebook'd me and said they were talking and texting. He said they were but it's over now. My husband promised he'd change and stop going on Facebook. Then, a few months later I found pictures and texts from his ex. Again he says he'll change but he's not. My husband continues to talk to his ex and disrespect me. I want to be with him but from what I understand he's been like this with every woman he's been with. I continually forgive my husband in hopes he'll change for me, like he promised he would. Will he ever change or is it hopeless?"
Even if your boyfriend or husband believes he can change and actually wants to change, will he follow through? How do you know if you can trust him? It's easy for a man to promise he'll change. He loves you and wants you to stay with him. Your husband may even try to change by going to support meetings such as AA, reading books about behavior change, or even going to counseling.
You want to believe that your husband or boyfriend will change for the better, but you wonder if he is even capable of changing. What then?
He Promises to Change…Should You Believe Him?
The truth is that nobody can tell you if your boyfriend or husband will change. People can change! People change their thoughts and beliefs all the time. They even change their behavior and words.
But even though it's true that people can and do change, there is no guarantee that your boyfriend or husband will be one of those people. And there is no way to know for sure if he'll even try to change, or if he'll change permanently.
1. Prepare to face the truth about your relationship
Here are two reasons you're searching for advice (or a prediction!) on whether your husband or boyfriend will change is because either:
- You have a feeling he can't or won't change; or
- He has promised a hundred times to change, but never does.
You may want to find someone who will reassure you and tell you that he will change, but you know the truth in your heart. You just can't accept it because it hurts too much, or it'll take too much energy and effort to leave him.
If your husband is moody or even depressed, read When You Live With a Moody Husband – Loving What Is.
2. Be honest with yourself
Does your boyfriend or husband truly want to change, or is he just saying he'll change to appease you? Either way, you both will find that change is easier to promise than implement. What has he promised in the past? Does he make promises to other people? Do you see signs of change, growth, maturity in his life and your relationship?
Admitting the truth about your husband or boyfriend isn't easy. It's especially painful when you love him and want to have a happy life. Perhaps you even have kids, or you love his parents, or your lives are so intertwined it'll take a crowbar and years of therapy to untangle you. It's incredibly painful and sad to accept that he can't or won't change because it seems to mean that your boyfriend or husband loves something else more than you.
3. Start thinking about your next steps – whether he changes or not
Don't give your husband or boyfriend power to control your life. Don't wait for him to change before you decide how you will live, what you want your future to look like, and who you are. Don't follow his lead – especially if he is not living with honor, integrity, or love.
You can't change him. He can't even change himself unless he is truly, deeply motivated. You can't change your husband or boyfriend, and you don't know if you can believe him when he promises to change. But you can make promises to yourself…and you can keep those promises.
What can you promise yourself? For example, you might promise yourself that you will give your husband or boyfriend six months, six weeks, or six days to change his behavior. If he can't or won't, promise that you will take action in some way. Or you might promise to call someone (his boss? probation officer? the police?) if your boyfriend doesn't do X (stop stealing from the company? stop breaking probation? stop selling drugs?).
Make promises to yourself, and keep those promises. You deserve to be in a relationship with at least one person who keeps their promises, right? Even if you yourself are that one person.
If you're promising to leave your husband or boyfriend because you know he'll never change, read How to End a Relationship When You're Scared to Be Alone.
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Source: https://www.theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/when-he-says-he-will-change-but-never-does/
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